Women Do Poop

I cried when Mr. Big stood up Carrie on their wedding day, and I laughed with her when she finally laughed for the first time after Charlotte Poughkeepsied in her pants. I usually do not enjoy toilet/bathroom jokes, but I found the scene hilarious. At least, Charlotte did it in front of her friends who might have laughed about it but would never repeat it to anyone else. I hope that my friends if such occasion arises, will keep things to themselves. Glad to say that the opportunity, heaven forbid, hasn’t happened yet.

However, I can’t help but realize that we have the tendency to get embarrassed when people find out that we go to the bathroom for number 2. Or maybe, it is just me. Anyway, after three years, I still make sure that A doesn’t know or is not in the vicinity when I do it. Although part of my reason is my proclivity to make sure that things remain exciting and we avoid falling into a relationship rut, which we have managed so far. I don’t know though if it is my refusal to let it all out (no pun intended) that make things fresh somehow.

But there are times when things happen. It can be funny, but when it happens to you, it’s unfortunate. When everything spins out of control, and you wait in misery wondering when is the shit going to hit the fan? When it seems like life is punishing you. When… Okay, okay, falling the rabbit hole there.

On the spur-of-the-moment, A and decided to go on a weekend trip to Guimaras Island and Iloilo. Having paid a lot for our flights, I told him that we have to travel on a budget, as much as possible. Reluctantly, he agreed. When he balked at my suggestion to walk around Iloilo until evening then sleep at the airport before our flight, I capitulated but insisted that we will find a cheap place to stay (This, I would come to regret later).

After two days in Guimaras, we were on our way to Iloilo. We were at the pier waiting for the owner to pick the bike we rented. While waiting, we parked the bike on the sidewalk. I became absorbed on my phone looking for a cheap place to stay in Iloilo, whereas, A was also checking what to do and where to eat in there.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, a guy got on our bike and ran off with it. A then, innocently asked me, “Love, do you think it is okay that he took our bike?” I was so preoccupied with what I was doing, looked at him then at the guy already moving away, and exclaimed calmly, “No.” So A, prompted by my no, ran after him. This was a sight to behold; a tall, good-looking white guy (at that moment, he was the only foreigner) running after a guy on a bike. Everyone around was looking. When the Filipino man realized that someone was chasing him, he came back. Apparently, he took the bike by mistake. It wasn’t the bike that he was supposed to get. He apologized profusely and sheepishly, saying, “I’m so sorry my friend,” while I was laughing my ass off.  I looked at A and exclaimed, “You should have seen you.”

A was looking at me, exasperatingly commented, “You have no use love. I don’t know the law around here. I don’t understand if he is a friend of the owner so I didn’t react right away, while you were just there, calmly saying, no”. His expression while expressing this has caused me much hilarity that I dissolved into fits of laughter again. He always has a sense of humor so he just good-naturedly laughed along with me and gave me a big hug.

I was still amused while on the boat.

But karma is certainly a bitch. It does bite you in the ass. In this case, it was fast.

After walking around Iloilo, we opted to stay at a hotel (this term I use loosely, it was quite cheap) near the restaurant we wanted to try and the heritage site we wanted to visit. It was raining hard that we squatted at Balay na Bato for awhile, enjoying the chocolate drink they offered. When the rain let up, we started walking to our resort. While walking, my stomach began to rumble. I tried to ignore it, hoping that it was just bad air, but then suddenly I felt a gripping pain. The pain was getting worse by the minute, that I looked at A, imploringly, and asked, “Mon Amour, can we please take a ride? I don’t feel good”.  He got so worried; he hailed a tricycle right away. He kept asking, “Are you okay be, do you have a headache?” I replied (holding my stomach, trying not to pass gas, and holding it all in, which made the pain worse), “It’s my stomach, and please I don’t want to talk about it.”

I could feel cold sweat running over my forehead. I was trying to inhale and exhale, by then but it was no use. I was just praying that we would arrive at our destination sooner before I embarrassed myself and ended up Poughkeepsie-ing on my pants.

Upon arriving at the hotel, A asked me to ask the reception if they could call a taxi for us in the morning and also if there was a way for us to access the beach on our way to the restaurant. I was about ready to lay there on the sidewalk and die from the pain that I looked at him, and exclaimed loudly and impatiently, “Not now please, I can’t hold it anymore!” It dawned on him then that the situation was dire. So he immediately told me, “Go ahead love, I’ll take care of the check-in.” But the girl at the counter was done, called somebody to usher us to our room. When we opened the room, I ran to bathroom (which by the way, only took six steps, it was a tiny room) then the sight that welcomed me was so disturbing that I looked at A, and said, “Oh God, How I am going to do this?!” He ran after me, saw the situation and exclaimed, “I’m gonna get out of here love.”

So the room was quite tiny, but it was okay, considering what I paid for it. However the bathroom is connected and only separated by a wall, which barely covers my head, plus it has no door. So basically, If I let it all out, A could not only hear everything, he would also smell everything.

So I was in the room for 30 minutes, at this time, I don’t know how A managed his time outside. He doesn’t smoke, and it was not a place to hang out. I didn’t think that he enjoyed watching people singing karaoke off-key. I didn’t even ask him how he occupied his time. After 30 minutes, he started knocking on the door, and I shouted, “Go away please!”.

He came back an hour after, and there he was, instead of laughing, just reached out and hugged me, asking if I was okay. While, I was red in the face from mortification.




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One thought on “Women Do Poop

  1. Nino

    Its amazing how a lot of people can relate to your situation hahahha… That made me laugh and made me remember a similar situation


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